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Friday, February 27, 2015

Mom of BSM Boy Who Committed Suicide Sends Letter to Co-Parents

Image courtesy of www.facebook.com

Dear BSM Parents,

The writer Cimamanda Adici warns against the danger of "the single story," of one story becoming "the only story."

My family and I are aware of the insinuations and veiled suggestions that are being made about my son Liam: that he was depressed, that he had mental illness, that he was troubled, that he had family problems. 

None of these are true. I am writing you tell you about Liam.

Liam is the fourth of six children. He grew up in a simple, loving home surrounded by books, an environment where hard work, politeness, kindness, honesty are valued. From a young age, he developed a love for literature, writing, movies, music and video games. 

Liam was very secure in himself, and felt no need to have to conform to peer pressure, to go out and party. He doted on his siblings. He reveled in simple joys, like the occasional haircut, Nutella, Reese's peanut butter cups, Cheezy chips. He never asked for much. He was never afraid to make fun of himself. He was an introvert like me, but talked with fiery passion about things he believed in and loved, like books and football, particularly Chelsea F.C.  

Late last year and early this year, Liam excitedly shared with me and my husband his plan to take a gap year, so that he could concentrate on school work and aim for good grades. During his gap year, he planned to work on university applications, to apply for scholarships, for internships with his best friend. 

In school, he had an easygoing way about him, he always had an easy smile. He had a shy and charming demeanor, and had many friends whom he loved to joke around and banter with. During the SLCs I attended, I saw how the teachers loved him and appreciated his hard work. 

On the morning of Thursday, February 5th, before going to school, Liam was his usual self. He had asked me to get him some facial cleanser and hair wax with the last of his Christmas money. 

It is a mother's gut feeling, that intutition unique to mothers, that told me that something gravely wrong happened while he was at school that Thursday. 

And so this is where I am---I have lost a gentle, beautiful boy so full of promise. I have many questions that are still unanswered, pieces I would like to put together to bring some semblance of peace and closure. It does take a village to raise a child. We choose schools in the hopes that the adults they spend a greater part of their day with will continue with the same nurturing we do at home.  

Liam's last encounter was with an adult, faculty, to whom I had entrusted his care. All I question is why that encounter had left him with feelings of hopelessness and humiliation. He brought home with him a disgraceful impression of himself that had such finality, that all he had built and hoped for were dashed to pieces.  

I also write you today to thank you for being with us during Liam's wake and funeral mass. I thank the Year 13s for the heartfelt memorial that they led. My family and I have no words to express our gratitude for the overflow of affection and overwhelming support from BSM parents, teachers and students.  

Liam is so loved. 

I ask for your prayers that the light of truth will give all of us peace. 

I end this letter with two articles of note. 

http://www.health.harvard.edu/ blog/suicide-often-not- preceded-by-warnings- 201209245331

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/ news/science/science-news/ 11413884/True-adulthood- doesnt-begin-until-age-25.html


Thank you for your time,

Trixie Heredia Madamba

76 comments:

  1. Okay Kumare Trixie I felt your feelings.

    Bisaya Queen

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    1. Duh anong relate? Ganon pa din comment ko patahimikin na siya at dasalan. Nakakatakot ang culture of perfectionism.

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    2. Bisaya Queen, why? Did your child commit suicide too? Until one of your children does, then you won't ever get her feelings.

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  2. The truth will be told in time. Rest in Peace Liam. May you found comfort with our Father in heaven.

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  3. Is there no investigation on the part of BSM forthcoming?

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    1. baka pinoprotektahan ang kapwa briton. alam mo naman dito sa pilipinas, ang mga puti ang nasa top of the food chain, colonial mentality baga.

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  4. I am so sorry about your loss 'Mam. My Condolences to you and the family. May Liam rest in peace.

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  5. God bless you and your family ma'am.

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  6. Must be so painful. I feel you Mrs. madamba. Justice will given to your son in time, don't lose hope.

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  7. I feel sorry for this mom. No one wants to lose a child from suicide. Hope she gets through this tough time. kung hindi man makasuhan ang teacher, hindi naman sya palalayain ng konsensya nya.

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  8. Sorry, mommy. Masyadong perfect ang description nyo sa anak nyo, nakakakilabot. Parang mali kasi na isisi lahat sa iba...bakit ba sya natakot sa "threat" ng teacher to the point the magsuicide sya? It might be because ayaw nyang marealize MO na hindi sya the perfect boy, to begin with. Hindi kaya napressure din sya to live up to your standards kaya ganun na lang ang takot nya sa mga threats na yan? I don't mean to be insensitive.

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    1. You are missing the point of the letter entirely. And yes, you are being insensitive!

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    2. I see your point Anon 4:34- and sadly there may be some truth in it. Painful to accept though that perhaps some kids who are "perfect" have a hard time when they fail. I read something recently in the US of a similar situation. Ivy League track star, 19 year old girl- struggling with her studies. Difference lang was she had shared her suicidal thoughts and was actually seeing a psychiatrist.

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    3. sa tono ng comment mo, parang sinisisi mo pa ang nanay. you don't mean to be insensitive yet your insinuating that this poor mother is the one to blame for the loss of her own child. you don't have the slightest idea how painful it is to loss a child. more so a very talented, promising child. yeah right, you didn't mean to be insensitive.

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    4. Yes i agree
      Maybe the child was pressured to.maintain that perfect image

      I think.nobody will just end his life just because of one episode of bullying from his teacher

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    5. Are you a parent? If you are not then you won't understand.

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    6. My thoughts exactly! Oh well rest in peace liam.

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    7. May point naman si 4:34. Liam might be too pressured and scared na malaman ng parents nya yung totoo. Hndi natin kasi alam kung paano ba sila sa bahay, I mean, may competition ba between siblings with regards sa studies and kung pano nagrereact ang parents sa failures ng bawat anak nila. Kasi he was so scared sa magiging resulta e. So, madaming factors talaga. KUNG ganun man nga, well, it's a lesson na lang din sa mother. RIP Liam. :(

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    8. classic example of victim blaming, tsk tsk...

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    9. Gusto lang malaman nun mother kung ano ang nangyari like dun sa meeting ni liam sa teacher para maintindihan nila kung ano ang nasa isip ni liam. Para may closure na rin. Mali kasing ilihis un incident. Dapat harapin ng school un incident hindi un nag iinsinuate sila. Katuwang sa pagharap nun school un family at prof. Mahirap po ang mawalan lalo nat biglaan. Kung pwede nga lng iskype si liam sa taas, para matigil na ang pag iinsinuate ng iba. Maging sensitive naman po tayo.

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    10. It is her right to ask what happened. May basehan sya, more than anyone of us, mas kilala nya ang anak nya. Kung nakita mo yung anak mo na natural lang, walang feeling na merong pinagdadaan, tapos biglang nag suicide, aren't you going to ask questions? Like what or who caused it? Ako nga kahit di nanay, yung mga pamangkin ko pag may kakaiba or may itinatago kahit nagpapaka natural lang sila I can tell.

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    11. I'm with you on that. And she can't say that he wasn't depressed or anything. No mentally and emotionally sound person would want to end his life.

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    12. hoy mga victim blamers, ayusin n'yo 'yang mga kukote n'yo. KAYO ang may diperensya sa utak.

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  9. This is so painful. I am a mother too and this is something that you don't want to happen to any mother out there. Be strong for your other children and I do hope that Truth will come out soon. If it doesn't, just look up in the sky and lift your heartaches and questions. Someone up there, more powerful than us knows the truth. And HE certainly knows what better be done to the one who made this bad dream of yours to happen.

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    1. Amen. Mommy, i love your comment. God, please take good care of Liam. ❤

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  10. Typical mom who is still in denial. Coming from someone who battled depression and was close to suicide during my teenage years, take it from me, depressed individual can be good at hiding their true feelings. None of my friends nor any of my family members knew of the dark thoughts going through my head. And the fact that Liam committed suicide is proof enough that something is wrong. Normal people do not take their own lives just because they were shamed or scolded. I know it's hard to accept, but eventually with time, the family will find a way to get through this. Liam may be psychologically unstable, and that is not anyone's fault.

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    1. It is really hard to imagine that for a person you say is living a happy life to just suddenly commit suicide because of scolding...we may never know what truly transpired between him and the teacher...it could have been beyond mere scolding :(

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    2. 5:05PM while I understood you.. I think what the mother is trying to know is, what was the precipitating factor (is that the correct term?) for her to fully understand.. People will mental illness or psychological problems will not just snap out of the blue. Something happened for them to totally lose it.

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    3. How dare you presume to know what was going through this boys mind. You and he are not the same. If you felt that bad why are you still alive? Are you implying that you are better than the boy or stronger? He followed all the rules and never did anyone harm and his hopes were dashed one afternoon by a sadistic adult who glories in bullying those under them. Hold the teacher liable not the boy.

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    4. There will sometimes be a trigger- for example a girl breaks up with a boy- the break up can be a trigger. But if the boy commits suicide, does that mean the girl is responsible of the boy's suicide?

      I truly feel for the mom, what she is going through is so painful. Its hard when the only person who can really give the answer is gone.

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    5. Nope, you don't see The picture. To that kid being a genius, having a good grades, going to good school is everything. Being publicly humiliated and ridiculed is difficult, what more to the extent we don't know of? He lost it with a snap. Thanks FP for giving page on matters such as this. The public has to know, the school is hiding it for their name sake.

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    6. Anonymous February 26, 2015 at 7:29 PM

      Wow, calm down. While the teacher's actions likely acted as a trigger, he didn't force the boy to commit suicide. He still had a choice to take his own life.

      And since when does "following the rules" guarantee anything? I was a lot like this boy -- I was a good girl, went to a top school in the Philippines on a full scholarship, went to one of the top universities worldwide on a partial scholarship. Guess what, just because you do the right thing doesn't mean you'll get everything you want! I went through acute depression. If I had killed myself, who should I have blamed? The partner who left me? Being jobless? Being HOMELESS? Having tens of thousands of dollars in debt while being jobless AND homeless in a foreign country with very little support system?! But that's LIFE. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. Even if you're doing all the right things. If someone, or the universe, takes that away from you, is it all right to blame them for taking your own life?!

      Depression is complex. NOBODY is saying that just because someone didn't kill themselves, they were stronger or better than someone who did, or that they must've felt less bad. It's not a competition. Believe it or not, someone who has been in a similar position would understand what it's like battling personal demons more than someone in denial.

      Also, grow up.

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    7. Teacher was a she.

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    8. In other words 7:29 you do think the boy is weak? Dami mong sinabi it all boils down to letting people know how great you are huh? You grow up. I am with 7:26. Don't blame the victim.

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    9. Harsh as it may sound, he victimized himself 8:17. Unfortunately, no one else killed him, it was his choice.

      Suicide is painful all around, leaves so many unanswered questions. Yes, there may have been a trigger and the adolescent brain may not be that capable of more sound decision making in light of pressure (pressure from outside and pressure we put ourselves under). But people cant be walking on eggshells all around each other because someone might just be suicidal.

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    10. Sino si 726? Haha. This is 710. I'm assuming you didn't read the timestamps properly.

      Never said he was weak. You clearly misunderstood my post. Maybe you should've paid attention vs. going on defensive mode right away. Depression is complex. It is a mental illness caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. Many things can be the reason why one person commits suicide. Access to help, circumstance, a trigger. Not this "so you think he was weaker than you" stuff that gets thrown around. It's not that simple.

      You misunderstand victim blaming. If a girl was raped & I said she deserved it because she was wearing skimpy clothes, that's victim blaming. I don't deny the teacher bullied him. But he made a choice to take his own life. People like you & 729 who can't see that ultimately while there are people around us who may humiliate us, anger us, etc. how we react to a situation is ultimately our choice that we have to take responsibility for, are immature. So I'll tell you again: GROW UP. If you think that if you're allowed to not take responsibility for your actions because someone else humiliated you or angered you, how is that a sign of maturity?

      Let's say that for example someone humiliated you & threatened your future. Some time later, you got a gun & killed that person. So would you say the blame is on the victim? Pinahiya ka e. He was going to crush your dreams. He DROVE you to do it. According to you, that victim should be the one to blame because he drove you to do it. Dunno about you, but that doesn't sit well with me. Now, imagine that instead of killing the other person, you turned the gun on yourself. How is the assignment of blame different?

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  11. My simple joys are chocnut, lily's peanut butter, and mr chips. I've been humiliated a lot, degraded, and shouted at in public. I still have a happy disposition in life. Sometimes, the most sheltered ones are the most fragile. And perfectionists have poor coping mechanisms when they fail.

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    1. True enough. Sometimes, the most loved and nurtured are the easy to give up at madaling mawalan ng determination. Di kasi sila masyadong nakaranas ng hirap or mas napadali sa kanila ang mga bagay-bagay dahil sa status nila sa buhay.

      The world is tough and it is getting tougher everyday kaya ngayon palang, I'm teaching my kids to be tough too. Kailangan matibay ang dibdib, dahil kung hindi, malamang masasaktan ka lang at madali kang mawalan ng pag-asa, makapag-isip ka ng kung ano-ano. Marami saten ang napahiya, na-bully, or even inalipusta sa harap ng ibang tao. Ganunpaman, dapat lagi tayong palaban. Dapat go lang ng go!

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    2. na-alala ko tuloy yung nangyari sa anak ni Miriam Santiago. Parang similar yung circumstances diba?

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    3. In fer pang purdoy ang pinangtapat mo ha lol tsoknot, Lily etc lol sinadya mo iyon ha

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    4. Very true. I notice sa mga kaklase ko dati na galing sa mahihirap na pamilya, sila yung mas emotionally resilient. sanay kasi sila sa problema since bata pa sila. Im proud to say na halos lahat sila mga successful na sa buhay.

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    5. So 2:46 sa mga kaklase mo, ikaw lang ang mayaman? Edi wow. Haha

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    6. Very well said. I learned from this. Thanks fp for posting this on your site. Mas magiging relax mom nako ngyn and i will not put pressure on my son to excel just do his best and that would be enough .

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    7. Wow, iba iba po ang personality ng tao. Wag pong mag accuse. Ang fact lang, madalas successful ang lalaki in commiting suicide, pinag-aralan po namin yan sa psych. Hindi po natin alam ang nasa isip at puso nun bata. Wag pong basta manghusga.

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    8. Good job 5:17 am. Each and everyone of us learned from this sad story.

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  12. what is sad is that the external side of the child never foretold what he was feeling inside. regardless of the happiness he showed, it's the sullenness that should have been detected by the mother. someone missed the signs. painfully, liam's family had to learn it with his loss. the lesson now is for others to learn from liam. suicide is no laughing matter and as friends and family, we should always be vigilant.

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    1. Hindi po kasi lahat may sign. Let's pray na lng po na maging maayos ang lahat.

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    2. Anon 1:41pm, I'm sure there were signs. Its just that we don't normally look for it. And usually we don't associate the slight changes in personality to suicide. But I'm sure there were, remember, suicide involves a plan.

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  13. The mom want answer, sadly the only person who can give her the true answer is the one who died.

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  14. Nakakalungkot. Being a mom leaves me with nothing but sadness and empathy. I feel your pain Mrs Madamba, walang makaka relieve nito but God... napaka sakit kahit hindi namin to firsthand experience... and to all mothers out there, we cannot always monitor our kids when they've grown up... but their relationship with the Lord is the only way to secure their life decisions (especially in times of desperation and weakness), we can instill in our children that God can move mountains and that there is no problem that He cannot resolve. All we need to do is call upon the name of the Lord and cast our burdens upon Him and He will give us rest.

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  15. My heart goes out to you Trixie, I know that no words can console you right now. I hope that someday, somehow you’ll find answers in all your questions and that, in a not so distant future, you’ll come into terms with your loss. My prayer for you and your family in this very difficult and trying times.

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  16. To lose a child in this way- to see nothing of his inner pain and to be suddenly faced with such an extreme and irreversible act- this is such an unbearable pain that can be inflicted on a parent. Probably the only way to lift some of it off is to place blame on others until the pain subsides enough to be bearable. And when pain subsides, understanding and acceptance.

    Unfortunately, someone's actions had to be the trigger. It does not mean it is that persons fault. Let's not judge anyone here- not the teacher,not the mother as a parent, and not Liam- who was only a child who probably could not even grasp and understand what he was going through.

    This is a sad and tragic event. Let it remind us to be aware that there can be pain we cannot see and when we do glimpse it in others- our friends or relatives, to be sensitive and caring. We need to be more open to mental health issues and not make people who go through them feel judged but instead feel supported.

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    1. Tama po, kaya ingat sa pagbbitiw ng masakit na salita. Ipagdasal na lng natin na mahanap na nila ang peace, tama na ang turuan at paggagawa ng kwento. Mahahaba haba din ang process ng grieving, sana makatulong ang school sa grieving process ng pamilyang naiwan ni Liam.

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  17. Condolence to the family
    Its painful for the family to lose a loved one on this way


    SCary kasi Perfect tingnan ang bata sa labas pero hindi alam kung anong iniisip Or nararamdaman

    Few years ago, i was also thinking of suicide but my family wont notice kasi i was taking my MBa that time,and okay din naman sa work,social Iife Is okay also but they ddnt notice na lumakas kumain(midnight snacking pa nga), di na nag exercise, nag stop na rin ako.mag paint ,na love na.love.ko gawin,parang.pagod.na.pagod ka
    Mukhang.normal.lang.kasi nga busy but what i was.trying to do is to end my life


    Im sure there Were signs na maaring di napasin
    Sa bata pero snaa nga matagpuan nila ang kapayapaan

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  18. I cannot begin to fathom how you must be feeling right now, I could only offer prayer as solace.

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  19. Nagpakamatay ang bata dahil mahina ang loob. Thats the problem of too much sheltered kids. Konting puna ... Give up agad. Suicide is a decision by liam not by other factors.

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    1. Hindi ka po nakakatulong. Mag offer ka na lng ng prayer. Madami pa po kayong hindi alam sa suicide. Pwede nyo pong basahin un link sa letter.

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  20. Perfect ang description sa anak, pero mahina pa rin ang kalooban ni liam. Suicide is for the weak

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    1. I'm curious. When you go around calling dead children you don't even know 'weak' from behind your computer, do you get a warm glow of satisfaction at feeling witty about it?

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    2. Although I don't agree with the way Anon 12:14 expressed his opinion, there's no need to get too affected by it 6:55. That's exactly why we cant move forward with discussion on mental illness in this society of our. Even to say that a person is "weak" is already considered such an insult, such a put down. Weak people can be made to be stronger, by the right support. If we cant even accept and recognize that there is a weakness, how can we help those who are? And we will all drive them to silence and despair if we make them feel that feeling or being weak at one point in their lives is such a bad thing.

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  21. the mother might ask herself where she'd gone wrong.

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    1. Yes, she paid millions for tuition fee so a sadistic child hater can destroy her child.

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    2. Liam was a scholar.

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  22. Parhaps majority, if not all, children in school experienced some form of untoward experience from teachers or peers. Suicide is not a normal reaction to bad experiences - a child may cry, report to parents or authorities, fight back, let it go etc.

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  23. The parents' and classmates' account of Liam coincide and the school chose to paint Liam in a bad light. Who are we to believe?

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    1. the family was offended when the school sent the co-parents something about "copycat suicides", especially if the suicide victim had been popular or well-liked

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  24. I remember many years ago, may nagsulat ng article sa isang school journal. Sabi niya, he has everything- a loving & comfortable home, good grades, good looks, successful parents but he still feels insecure. In fact, a bit envious sa mga kaklase niya na mahihirap. Sabi niya, people will think that I'm very lucky but the truth is I'm scared. Papaano nalang daw kung mawawala yung parents niya? kaya ba daw niya on his own? Unlike sa ibang kakalase niya na na expose na sa kahirapan sa buhay. Such is life. You can't really have it all.

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  25. It would really depend on how strong a person's coping mechanism is. I guess it's more of an anxiety issue because he was being forced to aapologize to the whole school, and he can't handle the situation. He probably decided against sharing the incident to his parents because they might get disappointed with him, and took it upon himself to "handle" the situation. Sadly, how he handled it was tragic. He is too perfect to fail, and his ego (the psych term) cannot handle failure. The failure I'm referring to is his reputation being tarnished. Yes, he could have written the essay himself because he was a bright young man, and the teacher might not have believed that such words came from someone so young, but being humiliated in public triggered him to resort to suicide. It could be that there is a deep-seated emotional/mental problem that was not detected. There is a stigma when it comes to mental health, especially in the Philippines. So most people who need special care opt not to see professional health.

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  26. Even when there was provocation, a healthy mind and spirit wouldn't resort to suicide.
    We all have a share of humiliating ecperiences once in our lifetime, some are even worse than him... but hey, we're still alive. This is not to put blame on the dead, but please be careful on throwing all the blames at the teacher and the school. By doing so, you are doing exactly the same thing that was done to the boy.

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  27. I feel for the mom -- I honestly do. But I think that the stigma of mental illness in the Philippines really has to go.

    I suffered from acute depression for several years and was driven to suicidal thoughts. It was impossible for me to get help in the Philippines. A lot of people would tell me, "hay nako! Just be positive!" or "Pray ka lang, things will get better soon." My best friend asked around for psychologists and could not find any. It's a good thing I moved overseas soon afterwards and was able to get the help I needed.

    A lot of people with mental illnesses don't show it. They're afraid to show it because people can be dismissive and there's a stigma about it. A lot of people thought I was this perky, happy, always-cheerful person. There are SO many cases where someone was driven to suicide and the close family and friends always say, "But he seemed like such a happy person, I can't believe he did it!"

    I don't doubt that Liam was loved. I don't doubt that he was an intelligent boy, that he had dreams, hopes, and plans for the future. I don't deny that he was kind, and had a good character. But none of these are mutually exclusive with depression, or mental illness.

    To the mom -- I think you have to accept the fact that he was battling his demons when he took his own life that day. This doesn't make him less of a person. It is definitely a tragedy, but I just hope it can open the conversation on mental illness.

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    1. Glad to hear you got the help and support you need 6:57. You are spot on about the attitude of Fiilipinos towards mental health. That is probably why its common to try to place blame on others because we see mental issues as a "fault" and "weakness". You can see how many say why "blame" Liam just because people would point out that he was probably depressed or was under pressure and could not handle it. We have a long way to go.

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  28. I think, dalawa silang nahuli, babae ung isang napagalitan ng teacher. Lucky for the girl. She was loved and has a better way of thinking. Buti di nagpakamatay. One tough girl.

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  29. If you read the article that was referenced by Mrs. Madamba, the ending reads "This kind of death defies prediction." - and with that we should let go of any blame- do not blame the parent, the teacher, and even Liam. Yes, it was his choice- but we all make bad decisions sometimes. Unfortunately this one was irreversible: that's why its tragic.

    May the survivors find the peace they need.

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