Kris Aquino Breaks Her Silence

Image courtesy of www.withlovekrisaquino.com

Source: www.withlovekrisaquino.com

What SILENCE Taught Me

I purposely stayed away from social media (and yes, Kris Tv went on Best Of for 8 episodes) because there were professional issues we needed to resolve, and Thank You, Lord- natuto na ko that by being outspoken and sharing details with all of you, mas hahaba ang proseso at mas malabong maayos sa mahinahon at mature na paraan.

That doesn’t mean that you are unimportant to me.  The truth is I would never have become me had you not given me consistent support.  BUT life has taught me that I should share with you my work, the process that goes hand in hand with my work, the “paying it forward” aspect of sharing my blessings, and certain snippets of our family life that will hopefully inspire you. The rest of my life, I owe to my siblings and sons to keep among us.  Alam nyo na pinaka sensitive ako when it comes to my family, somehow pag silang tinira, no matter how much I want to ignore the bashers and haters, the part of me that needs to stand up and defend my loved ones is unleashed, and bahala na si Batman, lalaban ako.

This time was different, I knew that by containing the situation- there was a very big chance that I would have a much stronger opportunity of fixing everything where everybody would feel blessed, and there won’t be anything that I would need to later on clean up.  My cue came from one of Boy Abunda’s favorite sayings, “Pag emosyonal at hindi muna magsasalita, mas kaunti ang kakailanging walisin at bawiin kapag bumalik na sa normal ang sitwasyon.”

Guess what, the girl who relished living 30 years of her life in the public eye actually felt peaceful keeping to herself.  I mostly stayed home, except for going to Church to pray in total surrender and to give my thanksgiving.  I was sick for 3 days with fever and then I had a bout of hypertension (158/105) from all my stress.  This compelled me to stay in bed, eat very healthy, decompress, and sleep.

Staying away from my phone gave me time to read (James Patterson’s NYPD Red 4, Marie Kondo’s The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up and her follow up book, Spark Joy), I got hooked on FPJ’s Ang Probinsyano and Pangako Sa ‘Yo (OTWOLISTAS please don’t get mad at me, but I followed the bedtime of Kuya Josh and Bimb so the latest lights out for us was 9:30 PM), and I started watching season 1 of Telenovela and Seasons 1 and 2 of Younger on iTunes.  I also became obsessed with the presidential primaries in the United States, glued to the CNN coverage of Iowa and now New Hampshire anchored by Anderson Cooper, and I became an admirer of the work of Megyn Kelly on Fox News.

I read all sections of the New York Times, as well as Time, Newsweek, The Week, The Economist, Bloomberg Businessweek, and Forbes.  I devoured the blogs about food, fashion, life hacks, makeup, home decor, and travel on Bloglovin’.  And I became an avid fan of Huff Post (actually creating a Pinoy version of this is my new life goal).

Keeping to myself gave me time to listen to a lot of inspirational music, LAUDS by Arnel Aquino SJ, Hillsong United, Selah, Point of Grace, and Keith & Kristyn Getty are now part of my playlists.  Listening to songs of worship, or sometimes just the instrumental version of songs of praise gave my heart a lot of serenity and I felt the loving embrace of my Creator.

Looking back, there were many moments in my life that would probably have taken a different direction had I done what I did now- kept things to myself…

A relationship is hard enough to maintain, there are enough conflicts between the partners and those closest to them, how much more difficult it is to sustain the love and the desire to hold on when everybody who can see my IG feed will feel free to comment, because I wasn’t cautious enough and laid bare my heart? YES, kasalanan ko yun…

Co-parenting is exceptionally difficult, but in this case I believe Bimb’s father and I are equally to blame because we have been influenced by the opinion of our followers, and we have used social media to be our mediator. We recently had a misunderstanding, but neither of us shared the details, and we managed to reach a certain level of pacification that we both realize is for Bimb’s benefit.  Fingers crossed that we can maintain this level of maturity.

I also learned that an attempt at humor won’t work when you have an audience of millions.  Admit it, we have inside jokes with our family, coworkers, and close friends, and shared memories will make it easier to giggle about certain life events because of what we’ve personally witnessed up close.  But joking with people who don’t know you intimately can backfire and make you appear selfish and spoiled.

Viewers see the finished product, but you aren’t privy to the negotiations that go on behind the scenes for our contracts, most especially the minutest details in those agreements and the back and forth that is needed for all parties to feel they are benefiting from the union.  It is a job, it is a profession, it is a business- but it is unique in that all of you our viewers are stakeholders.

Allow me this moment to apologize to you, the Kris Tv regular viewers, the TFC subscribers, the consumers who patronize my endorsements, and my IG followers for taking a leave with no explanation… Sana maintindihan ninyo na kung nagpaliwanag ako, nabigyan ko na naman ng bala yung haters na batuhin ako dahil sa tingin nila papansin, pa-awa, o pa-importante ako.

I am back, but I am just a bit different, slightly altered, and hopefully improved.  At my core I will always be the Kris Aquino you’ve gotten to know over 30 years; when I think of the length of time we’ve engaged in a relationship, I am shocked that more than half of the Philippine population wasn’t even around when you started getting to know me.  It does make me confront my mortality, but it also makes me feel exceptionally grateful that you gifted me with longevity and relevance.

I was always of the belief that everything was all or nothing, it was either black or white, and there should be no grey areas… Now I realize it is within my capability to filter, and to control myself with what I choose to reveal. A lot of what made you love me and hate me has really come from what I shared with you.  I was given a healthy dose of reality, my unique talent has been my ability to converse, to articulate thoughts and feelings, and to engage my audience.  I know I am interesting because I wasn’t afraid to open up (okay at times overshare)- I have had such an eventful life that was compelling to take part in vicariously, analyze, discuss, laugh at or cry about, and I know how to tell a story- but those same qualities have also been part of the many times I have fallen and needed my family and my supporters to defend me and lift me up.

Yes, I will continue to have missteps, but I am praying that they will be fewer and will occur as rarely as possible.  On February 14, I shall turn 45 years old.  You have known me, watched me, listened to me, and judged me for 30 years, that is exactly 2/3 of my entire life.  Yes, I wanted to be an actress, a host, an endorser- a celebrity.  And I felt that opening up your life, getting the million peso contracts meant that you are surrendering your right to a private life.  Yet the past few weeks educated me that the ability to have a private life comes from the calibrated mix of keeping quiet, lying low, not calling attention to myself, and trusting very few people who have proven time and again that they will keep my confidences because they unequivocally care for me.

The challenge now is to stay fascinating while keeping a little of myself for me… I used to not believe the sayings “Magtira ka para sa sarili mo” as well as “Don’t give too much, don’t love too much, don’t trust too much, don’t hope too much- because the too much can hurt you so much”.  Now, I see the wisdom of those words.

Taping from Batangas to Mindoro showed me that I owe you my 100% when it comes to the episodes we air (wag lang buwis buhay ang segments because Kuya Josh and Bimb need me healthy and alive) because you gave me the precious gift of your time, and our advertisers and TFC subscribers gave good money for us to produce an excellent product. The time I took for myself illuminated in me that peace is priceless.  And that it is possible.

Thank you for taking time to read this, for those who are experiencing life’s crossroads, I hope that what you read will give you insight and strength.  For those of you who wanted to hear from me (in this case read my thoughts) THANK YOU, just thank you for all we have shared and experienced, for the encouragement you give me for today, and the motivation you give me to keep striving for tomorrow.